A Curious Thing

The other day I was struck by a very curious thought. In short, I was stopped by the MI state police out in the boonies for having illegal (in Michigan) tinting on my car. This was news to me after driving my Canadian car in MI for two years already! I had ten days to get the tint off, show the car at a police post and send the verified citation to the court. This was the last thing I needed to deal with in a very busy week with my final exam and last minute rush to finish my clinical hours. I could get the tint removed for free in Windsor so I had to go the day before my final exam. I planned for a 45 min trip and to get back home to Detroit to study. All was going well until I pulled out of the place with the tint removed, when I heard a pop and subsequent loud noise at the back of my car. It sounded like a flat tire. I groaned, stopped the car and sure enough there was a huge wire spike stuck in my tire with the air bubbling around it. I was not far from my parents so I limped into the driveway where I took the tire off, brought it to a place to get it fixed - had to wait about 45min and put the tire back on. So what turned out to be a 45 min trip ended up taking about 3 hrs - which was precious time away from my studying.

I caught myself saying "Nothing is ever simple in life when it needs to be. Plans never happen the way we want them to. Go figure." And I was stopped short by the thought - Why do I always generalize and say that this always happens when things don't go as I plan? I think I am probably not alone in this habit. When things do go as I have planned, I never acknowledge it. I am sure there are just as many times that things go right as there are times when things go wrong. However the curious thing is that I rarely remember those good times - only the bad times. So I resolve to be intentional about thanking God for and remembering the times when things do go as planned and to not generalize and be upset about those times when things go bad.

Besides I got the tint removed for free ,the ticket sent back to the court in 10 days and passed my exam and am no worse for the wear!!

Why me, Lord?

I was praying the popular Christmas song "Breath of Heaven" today while at a prayer retreat. It is a song about Mary's reflection of her journey of carrying God's Son. We have the encounter of Mary and the angel Gabriel when it was revealed to her that she was the chosen one to bring Jesus into the world in Luke 1. We see that she willingly accepted this call without much question except "how can this be?" Neither this passage nor others really give any details as to what this calling by God actually entailed for Mary. Many have looked at the culture of the day and comment that this calling had drastic consequences for Mary. It was not easy to be expecting a child out of wedlock and at the time she had no idea of how Joseph would react.

The words of the song say "Holy Father, You have come and chosen me now to carry Your Son."

I started to think about what would have happened if Mary had said "No I don't want this." What would God have done? ... Found someone else? ... Told her she had no choice? ... Threatened her? But no, God chose her, well knowing what her response would be. And Mary, in the song, could go on with the assurance of God's presence with her.

I thought about God's choosing me to believe in Him, to receive His forgiveness, to submit to His Lordship, to carry Him in my life. Lately I have not been wanting to be so willing to submit to that call for various reasons. I have said yes in the past. It has been hard and it has hurt. I am not so brave nor so eager now. Yet God knows my response as weak as it may be.

Further on in the song it says, "Do you wonder as You watch my face if a wiser one should have had my place.?"

And I questioned "Why me, Lord? Why have you chosen me? Surely You could choose someone else who is more wise and able to trust you more."

And God gently replied, "Because I love you."

And so, this Christmas season, I join Mary in this song and pray "Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me ... light in my darkness ... help me be strong ... Breath of heaven."

Walking on Water with Jesus

I just finished reading "The Shack." I know it is a controversial book in some Christian circles but personally I found it very interesting when I put the petty controversies aside and read it with anticipation of what God wanted to show me. I was gently amused by one incident and it has brightened my day as well as challenged me.

The main character was walking with Jesus and they came to a lake. He assumed they would walk around it, but Jesus said they were going to walk across it. He faced this with anticipation and perhaps some fear. He stepped out on the water and his shoes got wet. He looked over at Jesus and saw that Jesus had removed his shoes and socks (the book is written in modern times!) Jesus kind of said - "you can't walk on water and expect not to get your feet wet." On the way back from their hike, the main character came to the edge of the lake, intending to walk back across on the water. He took a few steps and was dismayed to find that his feet stayed on the bottom and began to wonder if he would be swimming across. Jesus was still on the shore and laughingly said -"how can you expect to walk on the water without me?"

What brightened my day was this beautiful picture of the human side of Jesus in the face of His being God in the miracle of walking on the water. As human, of course one's feet would get wet walking on the water! Sometimes it is so hard to understand how Jesus can know exactly how we feel because even though He was in human form on the earth, He still was God. This was a beautiful image of how the two come together.

What challenged me was the fact that I cannot expect to do anything without God being with me. Even if I do one thing with God and I am impressed with His help, I cannot do the same thing again in my own power thinking that I will have the same outcome. No matter what I am facing - something easy or something a bit risky for my faith, I need to bring God into it if I expect anything successful to come out of it. This is a powerful reminder of how weak I am without God beside me.

This is not an easy challenge for me. I also had been thinking a lot about Peter when he stepped out of the boat to walk to Jesus on the water, even before I read this book. So many times I have tried to walk on the water by myself and have ended up sinking just like Peter, both because of my stubborn independence and for allowing my eyes to wander off Jesus. I feel like the storm is raging all around me, Jesus is beckoning me to come, I want to walk on the water to Him, but I just can't seem to reach His hand. Yet He remains there, willing me to take each step forward, and with time I will reach Him and collapse into His open arms. And I know that my feet will be wet because this is the reality of my humanness!

Serving Communion

The first Sunday of every month, communion is "served at the rail" in my church. This means that the congregation participating goes to the front and kneels at the rail where the pastor and others pass out the communion elements. I have always treasured this time - especially to hear the words - "Christ's body given for you." and "The blood of Christ shed for you." which are directly spoken to me. After partaking each group is dismissed back to their seats with a "Go in peace." Somehow it makes my communion time very personal yet I feel in community with the others around me.

The people serving are usually the pastor, the liturgist and two members from the congregation - many times a couple. This past Sunday I was asked to serve along with a widowed woman who was sitting next to me. It was a great honor for me to follow behind the pastor and to hand a cup of grape juice to each person at the rail, offering them the emblem of Christ's blood being shed for them. Some looked up at me, some said thank you, others just held out their hand with heads bowed. I wish I could have personally addressed each by their name as our pastor does - but I do not know everybody's name. I found it to be a very touching experience and several times I had to swallow hard to keep the rising emotion back.

It hit me every time that Jesus died for each one of these people kneeling at the rail - different cultures, different socioeconomic circumstances, different life positions, different backgrounds. It was powerful to hand out the emblem of His blood - like it represented a drop shed for each one. It was exciting to see each one as they approached and participated - their faith, their eagerness, their appreciation, their experiencing communion with Jesus Himself. I was overwhelmed with the privilege I had to experience this.

Truly communion is a time for exactly what the name represents - coming together to remember what Jesus did for us. But it is not just our assembling together - it is in the presence of Christ Himself, for it is He who invites us there. I am so glad that my church does it every week and once a month at the rail. It renews me for the week with the reminder of Jesus' love for me - at the moment when He died and at the present moment as He meets with me in my remembrance. May it never become routine or taken for granted and may it remain sacred.

A Resolution

Recently I got involved in an exchange on the blog of a Christian ER doctor. I was getting fatigued with his constant berating of the poor, uninsured patients and those patients who have made bad life choices. In one sentence he would claim to love them with the love of God and the next demean them, criticize them, the total opposite of what he had just claimed. I responded in defense of the poor and sinful with a question of how Jesus would have treated these people. Then there was a flurry of exchanges of different doctors who took great offense to my statements. I, of course responded and the funny thing in doing so was that I surprised myself with a conviction that I hope to adopt. I realized that this is what I base my work as a nurse and soon as a nurse practitioner. This is what I wrote:

"I am a nurse in an ER in downtown Detroit. I also have volunteered time in a clinic for the uninsured. I am finishing my studies to be a nurse practitioner and all my rotations have been in hard core poverty situations. So far I am protected from law suits, I get paid a salary for my care of patients in the ER and I haven’t yet had to be solely responsible to find care for a patient. That day will be coming all to soon. But, in my 18 years as a nurse, I have held the hands of patients with HIV. I have counselled teenagers about pregnancy and STD’s. I have treated people who are lazy and expect the health care system to give them everything for no cost. I have wept with the abused and the assaulted. I have questioned the homeless who come to the ER with complaints just to get a sandwich. I have tried to find homeless shelters and free care for the poor when they are discharged from the hospital. I have refused to write work notes for the patient who missed work the day before showing up in the ED hungover. I struggle with the futility of trying to get an 8th grader whose only goal in life is to be old enough to go the bar and can’t spell a sentence correctly to want to go to college and make a life for himself.Just last night I was working with a gay EMT in triage and was asked by a gay patient if I was part of their community as if it was a totally normal thing. Sometimes I think nurses have to spend more time getting involved in the patient’s problems.

I have worked closely with a large number of doctors - we have laughed over the psych people, we have bemoaned the abuse of the ER, we have struggled with the gunshot victim, we have sighed over the woman wanting an STD check in the ER at 2 am, we have cried for those we want to treat with more and are unable to, we have berated the drug seeker. I understand what you are facing.

Yes I get frustrated with those who abuse the system, the chronic patients who don’t follow their plan of care and don’t realize they are going to become very expensive patients when the consequences of their non-compliance kicks in. Yes I get frustrated with the evidence of sin in this world - violence, drugs, alcohol,abortion, teenage pregnancies, broken families etc.

I have lived and worked in a third world country. I have seen America through someone else’s eyes. I have seen what America has that other countries do not have. Some of my best friends have a whole lot less than I do. I have walked with them in their need. And I know it was only because of God’s divine plan that I live in America and not over there. Yet I struggle with why I should be so privileged.

I stand by the fact that a lot of the problems of the health system is simply a product of what America has made it to be. The way people are today is a result of sin in this world. This is not going to go away. In fact, as the Bible says, things are going to get worse. I constantly need to look at myself and find a way to deal with all the wrongs that is constructive and honoring to God. I seek to make a difference,if only for a second, in whoever comes my way - no matter what is going on in that person’s life. I have a long way to go to make that a reality but I know that God is faithful to make up for my weaknesses. I refuse to allow the frustrations of sin in the world bog me down when it so easily can. I take comfort in the fact that when my life is over, I will be in a place where all the questions, the frustrations and sin will not matter anymore. And until then I do the best I can to bring heaven to this earth. This is the choice I have made."

Zoo Heads

Here's some photos I took during a fall afternoon at the Detroit Zoo.

A dose of reality

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Coming to Jesus

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

Come to me.
I want to run the other way.
Come to me.
I can't hide from You.
Come to me.
Still I want to run.
Come to me.
Okay... well, maybe
Come to me.
Just a little step.
Come to me.
I open up a little.
Come to me.
I lay some of my burden.
Come to me.
How can I trust?
Come to me.
Your arms are open wide.
Come to me.
Here's a little more of my burden.
Come to me.
Here's my rest.
Come to me.
Yes.

LM, September 2008

Our Beating Heart

Last weekend I was given new insight into our beating heart in two encounters. First I was at a retreat called "Prayer In Motion." We meditated on songs using several very simple movements to enhance the experience. One song was based on Psalm 139 - focusing on how wonderfully we are made and how God knows every little thing about us. The refrain said "You made me, You formed me, You kept me alive." For the last phrase we put our hands over our hearts and felt it beating, and thanked God that He chooses to give us our next heart beat. We also acknowledged that He can stop it at any time.

The following day I was at work in the emergency room. A man in his fifties kind of staggered in clutching at his chest, gasping for breath. His EKG showed that he was in the process of having a heart attack. We had 15 min to get him to the cath lab where they would put a balloon through the vessels of his heart to open up the blockage. While we were preparing him, his head went limp and his eyes rolled back. His heart was no longer giving the strong beats that it should. The ventricle which beats with such a strong force to push the blood through the body was in a quivering rhythm called ventricular fibrillation - a deadly rhythm. It was then a fight for his life as CPR was started.

In light of my meditation on the previous day - did I witness the moment that God determined that this man's heart would beat no more? How awesome to realize that God truly controls the very muscle which keeps us alive. Yes, we do have to thank Him for every moment that He gives us because it is His gift to us.

But a curious question - we did manage to get this man's heart beating again - so humans intervened in God's control of his heart. One could say that God has given us the means and technology to do this. And one could say that if he was in another country where medical technology was less advanced - his heart would have never got started again. Ultimately one must conclude that whatever the situation - God still does control the beating of our hearts. And our times are in His hands only. He determines our lives. Do we really appreciate and comprehend the scope of this?

Thank you, my heavenly Father, that my life is in Your hands.

Resurrection!

Here I am back again with my first thoughts in too many months.

Is there such a thing as a blog graveyard? I wonder how many people have started blogs but have not written on them for eons. I have certain blogs that I check everyday for new entries. A lot of my favourites - some friends, some missionaries, some people I have found out of the blue - now have dead blogs. I don't know how long an interval of not posting would deem a blog dead. Certainly in my books if I don't see a new entry in a month, than that blog is not worth checking every day.

The amazing thing is that these dead blogs stay recorded forever unless the author chooses to delete them. I have to admit though, that I am not one to read tons of entries on old blogs - unless it really piques my interest. I hate when I "google" an interesting person, open an attached blog, only to find they haven't posted anything for years. It is such a disappointment!! I want to hear what they have to say today and not years ago.

Blogs are good things, but having been a blogger I do understand it is not easy to keep them up!! It does take time and dedication. And the author doesn't see many results indicating that what you have written means anything to anyone but yourself. So it takes perseverance. But one never knows who just might be searching and find on your blog just what they needed at that moment. They may be your friends or a total stranger. And that is my motivation to keep on writing.

And so I have resurrected my blog. Who knows how long this run will last? Enjoy!

Thumb Prints On The Cross

Wow, this Easter weekend this year was full of meaningful things for me. One significant thought came from the old spiritual "Were you there when they crucified my Lord?" Can you hear the people singing? I was really struck by my answer - Yes, I was there! You ask, how can I say that? It was over 2000 years ago. I believe I was on Jesus' mind as He bore my sins. He was in His human form but in being God's Son He was capable of thinking about me, thinking about you as He died on the cross that day. Yes, I was there - in His mind and on His heart.

In a presentation of experiencing Jesus' last days through the senses, there was a large wooden cross and a bowl of red paint. The Scripture verses from Isaiah 53 were there for meditation - "But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed." The instructions were to put our thumb in the red paint and put our thumb print on the cross. It was an overwhelming rush of emotion. Yes I was there. Unconsciously, only thinking of it later, I put my thumb print on the part of the cross where His heart might have been. Yes, I was on His heart, as He suffered and died for me. And on Easter morning, the cross was there, covered with red thumb prints - so many were there.

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

Our Heavenly Mansion

Have you ever watched "Extreme Home Makeover"? Basically, a family who has suffered some kind of calamity and shown extreme courage throughout it is chosen each week. A team of builders and friends come together and build their dream house. The designers take time to know each person and create rooms - especially the bedrooms - to what they think they would be best for each person. Last night, an Iraq war veteran who lost his leg and has come home to care for his four children was featured. The cameras pick up each one as they enter the bedrooms designed expressly for each family member. The look of wonder, speechlessness, surprise, feeling of being honored and just their trying to comprehend that this is now their own room is seen on each of their faces.

John 14:2-3
"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Imagine it. At the end of our courageous, winning struggle to live trusting God here on earth, we are shown the rooms He has prepared for us. I would think that He has designed them exactly with what He knows would be extra special for us. Can you see our faces? The wonder, the awe, the feeling that we are so loved, the anticipation that this is where we will spend eternity! Can you hear all the people in heaven, the cloud of witnesses, cheering us on?

And yet, that room in the heavenly mansion, will be miniscule in light of the fact that we will see God face to face. That we will live with Him, in His presence, forever. I have no words for that moment.

Apologies and Forgiveness

The big news in Detroit right now is the "Sex, Lies and Text Messaging" scandal of the city's mayor. Basically he denied he had an affair with his Chief of Staff during a lawsuit brought against him by two police officers whom he fired because they tried to investigate his use of the security force to hide his affair. Now they have uncovered records of his text messages to his Chief of Staff which prove that there was an affair going on. He lost the lawsuit, costing the already desperate city of Detroit $9 million dollars. The mayor broke his week of silence last night with an emotional speech with his wife, apologizing for the pain he caused his family and the people of Detroit. Of course, he couldn't specify the details, because doing that would be an admission of guilt which would end him in jail. He insisted that he will change and he is refusing to resign as mayor.

This has made me reflect on what is apologizing and asking for forgiveness. What is an apology and what is needed for forgiveness to happen? Very simply, the only thing that is the right thing to do, is to say "Yes I did it. I resign. I will now pay the consequences." That is when there can be true change. I believe, then, the people wronged can give forgiveness. It so goes against our human nature. It involves humility. It means that there will be pain. It means there might be rejection and ostracism. It means a total change in one's life. It takes great courage to follow this route. And, in the long run, that person will gain back the respect and others will remember them for that courage.

This has been a bit of a lesson for me. Though I have not committed any "big" sins, I am guilty of trying to put the blame for my mistakes on some other reason than my error or make excuses that it wasn't possible to do the right thing. I have been learning to claim responsibility. To without explanation, say "Yes. I did it and I apologize." It is not always easy and yes, I face the consequences. But in the end, I believe I am a stronger person for it. And after I do it a few times, it becomes easier and feels more the right thing to do.

A story of survival in North America

Recently, I had the privilege to travel to the south coast of Texas, drawn by the promised sighting of the tallest and one of the rarest bird in North America. There I met and learned about an amazing story of God's creativity and one of survival. The bird of interest is the WHOOPING CRANE.

In 1941, there were only 21 whooping cranes in the world. As of April 2007, there were about 340 whooping cranes living in the wild mostly due to aggressive conservation efforts. The whooping cranes breed in Alberta in the summers and migrate to the gulf coast of Texas in the winters. They feed mostly on blue crabs which are found in marshes where there is the perfect concentration of fresh water meeting with the salt water of the ocean.

Some cool facts:

- the average whooping crane lives 24 yrs.

- they mate for life and stay together unless they fail to conceive, a divorce may occur!

- they are very territorial in their living areas - parents and the current year's chicks stay together in the same area.

- the young whooping cranes will reside in the area adjacent to their parents when they leave them.

- they never migrate in large flocks - only by families - thought to be their own inborn sense of preservation.

- the scientists don't band them, but record their whooping sounds to identify the birds as each has a different sound.

I don't know why, but I just marvel at God's creation of the whooping crane - its uniqueness compared to other birds. I am impressed by its efforts to survive and despite perhaps needing help from humans, the species have kept on. I am impressed that they stay together for life. And they are beautiful birds!

The young cranes have the cinnamon colored heads. The above family actually consisted of the parents and twins.

Don't we have an awesome creative God?

Faces for Reflection

Here is a poem that I just wrote as I have encountered the US military in the last week.

Faces

The loose wrinkled skin of the World War II vet
Each line betraying the years
The remnants of a handsome chiseled face lurking below
He commands great dignity and respect.

The scraggly big beard of the Vietnam War vet
Greasy looking hair pulled back by a bandanna
Deep creases showing an age older than reality
He has learned to survive.

The smoothly shaven skin of the young soldier
Hair buzzed short and neat
Each feature remarkably clear
He is eager to fight and full of pride.

Each face brings the question:
What is his story hidden behind?
Each face brings the question:
What has been his sacrifice?
Each face brings the question:
Was it worth it - to fight for peace?

Each face, with its story and sacrifice
Demands one to reflect.

- LM, January 2008-